Shut That Hole in Your Face

Shut That Hole In Your Face

“She doesn’t listen to me. He never listens to me.”

It is a common yet frustrating complaint when your partner isn’t listening or just doesn’t get what you are trying to communicate.

Especially if you’ve repeated yourself and feel like you are having the same conversation over and over again.

Perhaps you’ve tried a number of ways to get your point across:

You’ve screamed at the top of your lungs.

You’ve said it calmly.

You’ve texted.

You’ve emailed to your partner.

You’ve emailed it to your partner’s mom.

You’ve written a letter and mailed it certified.

You’ve cried.

You’ve posted passive aggressive memes on social media.

Yet. They. Still. Don’t. Get. It.

If you feel like your partner doesn’t listen to you particularly during conflict, then you must read this until the end. But if you need to dash, at the very minimum, read the next sentence which sums up a first step you might take in helping your partner to be a better listener:

Shut Up.

That’s right, I said it. Yes, YOU Shut Up. Shut that hole in your face.

That might sound harsh, but hear me out. You’re likely thinking, “Wait a minute Jelisha, I told you that it was my partner who doesn’t listen, not me!”

Think of how you feel when you are repeating yourself to someone in a misunderstanding and the moment finally comes when they get what you are saying.

You feel relief. You relax. Finally.

But another really important thing happens that is so often overlooked:

A whole new space opens up for you to hear messages that you likely missed from the other person. Now you can actually hear their perspective, find empathy, or come to understand why they misunderstood you to begin with. Heck, you might even for the first time, hear something that they had been saying over and over again. Now there is room for both of your experiences.

When you feel like you aren’t being heard, you are so focused and intent on making the other person get what you are saying, that you probably aren’t listening to them either.

So that results in TWO people who aren’t feeling heard and thus aren’t listening to each other. It’s this bumpy exhausting merry-go-round.

In addition to listening to understand your partner, ask yourself how you are saying what you are trying to communicate?

Do you scream at the top of your lungs? Do you attack and criticize while airing a concern? Do you hold things in and then explode out of nowhere? Do you use passive aggression to make a point? Do you “accidentally” burn breakfast?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, then this isn’t just your partner’s problem, it is a couple problem!  You are blocking the way for your partner to hear you!  It’s like yelling at your partner to for not parking the car in the garage but your car is already parked there.

So what’s the moral of the story? One major key to helping your partner to be a better listener is to be a better listener yourself.  When they feel heard and like someone wants to understand where they are coming from, we are so much more able to actively listen as our defenses, and frustration are let go. 

If your partner is telling you that you’re not listening, don’t gasp rolling your eyes reacting with, “Yes I am!” 

Try something different.  Tell them what you heard them say.  

No, I don’t mean repeat verbatim what they said, but tell them the general message that you are hearing from them.  We should care and strive to want our partners to feel heard and vise versa. 

Here is an example of a basic AF “take-away” and a more meaningful one.   

Surface level take-away:  “When I’m late, it pisses you off”

Meaningful take-away:  “When I’m late and don’t let you know, you feel disrespected.”

Before you can arrive at meaningful take-aways and understanding, you must pause, and take a breath.  Shelve your point for a moment.  I am not asking you to neglect it, just put it on a shelf for moment.  We will get back to it.

Imagine if you were listening to understand where your partner was coming from. 

Imagine if you were listening from a place of curiosity. 

Imagine if you shelved your perspective for just a moment and asked to hear more about your partner’s perspective….before making your point FIRST….that’s the hard part.

Put down your weapons of defensiveness and criticism.  They only take up precious time and space and often create new fires to put out and repair from. 

Ask your partner questions from a genuine place of curiosity.  Nothing makes a person a more active listener than trying on their glasses.  Look at the situation through a pair of lenses other than your own.  It will lead you  both down a path of being heard, understood, and on your way to a resolution.

To get my free guide with 5 solid tips to help your partner really hear you, click below!