How to Stop Bickering and Start Bonding

Have you found that you and your partner are bickering on a regular basis? Maybe you’ve found yourself having small arguments or being passive aggressive over trivial matters. The most frustrating thing about persistent bickering is that there’s typically no clear resolution. Ongoing bickering can create emotional distance, decrease intimacy, and put a strain on overall communication in relationships. Over time, repetitive patterns of bickering can become ingrained in the relationship dynamic.

Here are 3 ways that you can decrease  bickering and in turn have a more satisfying relationship:

1. Ask ourself what you are REALLY upset about? 

Oftentimes with bickering, there is something underneath the “thing” that you are arguing about. For instance, if you are upset that your partner hasn’t initiated sex in a while, you may (subconsciously or consciously) express that frustration by picking a fight about the remote. Ask yourself if there is something in the relationship that you are avoiding bringing up or that is really bothering you. Is there something more significant that you are actually avoiding bringing up? Constant bickering is typically a way to get out frustrations that are tied to significant  underlying issues that go unspoken and feel too uncomfortable or painful to bring up. 

2. Prioritize Self-Care & Your Mental Health

When we prioritize self-care for ourselves, we have more patience and are more thoughtful with loved ones. You are more likely to bicker or snap at your partner when you are running on empty, not sleeping well, or hungry, etc.  An example of prioritizing your mental health may be the need to decompress for 30 minutes upon coming home from work. Think about when you tend to need to recharge and what that looks like. If you are stressed and exhausted, you are more prone to bickering. This is another example of the real issue being a lack of self-care or time to self rather than about the dishes. Prioritizing your needs and communicating them to your partner is a great way to prevent bickering.

3. Treat Your Partner Like A Friend

Once you’ve identified true underlying issues that you want to talk through with your partner, tone and delivery can be the difference in a conversation or a screaming match. Sometimes I will ask couples in therapy sessions, “Can you say that again but say it like you would to a good friend?” Typically, they choose their words more kindly and their tone is softer” Being kind goes a long way in getting your needs met and having your partner hear you. Oftentimes, we can lose it on the people that we love the most but when you pause and reframe your concern as if you were talking to your dearest closest friend, your message will be more easily received. Friendship intimacy in relationships is very important!

Bickering doesn’t have to become a habitual response to conflicts or annoyances in the relationship. With introspection, friendship, and prioritization of self-care, healthier communication can flourish. If you are still finding that you are stuck in a pattern of bickering, working with a couples therapist can help you break the pattern and grow closer in your relationship.